Big Fail

Update:

Just like it is mentioned in the title, this week has been a big fail week.

I did not go to the gym not even a single day nor did I follow  my detox diet. I have a very bad bad person. However, I don’t know if it is in my mind, but now I am less attracted to sweet thing. Weird!! I really need to get back on track.

Easter is this weekend. I am so excited because I will cook. For the first time, I will host an Easter lunch. I specially made a menu according to my detox, I just hope that when my friends will come over and brink the dessert, I will not be too tempted.

My story – Part 2

It was time to  reach adulthood. 18, such a beautiful number. It means that now I am considered as an adult, have the right to buy cigarettes and alcohol, have the right to drive. And most importantly, it marked that I am now officially considered as a grown-up. Well, it is only on paper, because I was such a insecure person that I did not feel like a grown-up at all.I sometimes feel that I missed a big part of my teenage life because of being insecure and being overweight made me an introvert person, which is for sure I am not. Because, of my weight struggle I never wanted to go out. I went out only with people that I know and I was closed to.

In 2011, I moved to Canada for  studies. I considered it as my saving land, my promise land. I knew that my life would be totally different. I would have the opportunities to make the changes that I always wanted, do what I always wanted to do. In conclusion, a way to start a new life. I was really excited about it, it gave me motivation, gave me strength.

I adapted myself pretty well to my new life. Although, the adjustments were tough on me, I knew that I made the choice of coming here so I had to deal with it and find ways to work it out! In Canada, I did not feel the pressure of loosing weight or having people staring at me. Finally, I found my freedom. I was now able to find clothes that actually fit me, and enjoying shopping without being judged. But still at that time, I was on a so so regular on my period, but I did not care so much because I knew I was doing nothing wrong. So, I had nothing to worry about.

One day, during my yearly check-up, my doctor advised me to see a gynecologist for my irregular period.And the verdict dropped, I was diagnosed with PCOS. But then, I was not too concerned, because even the doctor was not that concerned. I remembered it said it is pretty common and I have nothing to worry about because I am young. Honestly, at that time I was damn naive, I trusted him and did not bother too much. I didn’t do my research like I would usually do when I don’t know something.

Months passed by, and I forgot about my PCOS. I was trying to have a healthy diet, I went swimming, eating quite healthy. Then , for around 6 months I did not get my period. My close friends were worried, because I gained so much weight. I literally looked like a pregnant woman. On the subway, people would actually give me their seat because they  thought I am a pregnant woman. I was bloated, my face was round and round. I did not fit in my clothes anymore. It was a bad period. I honestly thought at some point, that I might be actually pregnant. Then, I did these at home pregnancy test, and it turned out like I thought to be negative. But just to be on the safe side, I decided to do it anyway. Then, I decided to see the doctor again, because I knew deep inside something was literally wrong with me and that scared the hell out of me.

“You got PCOS, Madam. It is common. But I need to let you know that I might decrease your chances of fertility………” I stopped listening to the Gynecologist after that. To be said at 20,21 that you might not be able to have kids blew me off. Honest to God, I always knew that I would like to have a family one day. Like a girl, I dream t of the charming prince and of a beautiful family. But, I thought I would have time to think about it later on in life not at 21. That one sentence, shattered my life into pieces right away.

Since that day, my dreams and goals have changed. I will never be the same girl again.

My story – Part 1

I was always a chubby kid, always liked good food. My grand-ma is one of the best cook ever and because my dad works in an hotel, I was always surrounded with food (good food aka  good for so your mouth but not so good for your health). I must admit also, that back home, my grand parents don’t know anything about eating too much fats or sugar or things like that. For them as long it tastes good, they will eat it and that how I was raised. On the contrary, my mum was more aware of healthy food, it is true that at home or even at my grand-parent house there was always veggies on the table along with meat and rice. I should also mention, that I come from a Chinese family, which often means greasy food, in fact, i should say that the more oily the food is the better is the taste.

So, back to my story, my mum has always encouraged me to eat healthy, but i couldn’t resist the temptation of pastries or good Chinese foods. I even develop, a good taste for food, i became the food critic of the family. I had a very good knowledge of food; how to, which ingredients go with what……

And then, suddenly when i was 13 or older, i did a blood test, and the result my cholesterol was high, not alarming , but slightly high. It was quite shocking because at that time, I was not aware of my bad lifestyle or eating habits. Then the doctor recommended that I loose weight. As you might already guess , I was an overweight child and I am still overweight.

Anyway, so my mum decided that i need to loose weight, so she brought me to a nutritionist. The latter, gave me a lot of pills and stuffs to drink. It was more like weight loss pills. It worked for some time, but my bad habits kicked in again. Honestly, even at that time, I was ashamed of my body, not feeling sexy. You know, it was at that age that you start flirting and going out. Because, I was so ashamed of myself, and my body, I found my solemn refuge in food, so I ended gaining more pounds! With school, and so on, I was getting more stressed too, so i end up missing my periods, and having irregular periods.

Time flied by, when I started accepting myself. I said to myself at some point, well i’m chubby, it is all because chubbiness run in my family. All my cousins, from my dad side are chubby with round face. Stupid reason isn’t it? And my mind was going fined with that explanation. Just like on being  hairy, I said to myself , well my dad is hairy I must have got that from him. At that time, I did not know it was something else, that I was sick.

My life continued like this…. At some point, I started going to the gym again. Alas, i had no motivation so i stopped after a few weeks. I was too scared of what people think of me, I was ashamed of my appearance. The worst, when i looked back is that knowing I did not had the courage to take action to turn my life around to make changes.

3 days into the detox process…

Honestly, I tried not to think too much. As Sarah Wilson mentioned in her book , it is more like a change in my lifestyle rather than a diet or detox.

On Monday night, I was reading her book, and I did learn tons of stuff about health. Between you and I, I am reader person. I love to read; right now I am so addicted to health/recipes books. Yes, I must admit I read a lot of diets books. It is because; I found it so interesting, I am learning a lot on health and lifestyle stuff. I found it less boring that a dictionary or a report on health. I found also that these books help me to relate my diet to my lifestyle, makes me more self-conscious, if that makes sense.

Going back to our main concern, the 8 week detox process that I am doing. Since Monday, I must admit I am more aware of my foods or what I put in my mouth. Of course, I avoid saying to myself that it is a diet because I found that when I said such thing: it automatically trigger something in my mind, and I start being obsessed with food and everything goes wrong after that. I found that myself leaning to simple and simple changes like no sugar in my morning coffee or drinking unsweetened almond milk.

It is true that no matter how you name it, change in your lifestyle, diet or detox ; it is quite hard. Today for example, I couldn’t resist to the homemade oatmeal chocolate cookie that my friend made. It was simply delicious, crispy and soft. It was simply delicious and now I am craving for more sugar. But I am trying not to think too much about it. I realised that I have been a sugar addict for the last 23 years and giving it up like that is quite hard. So baby steps it is.

My only problem for now about this detox, is there is no guidance for dinner. I am trying to be careful when cooking about the ingredients that I am using. Being myself Chinese, I put a lot of soy sauce or oyster sauce or even sugar in my meal. I am trying to find new ways to cook without them. I’ll do my research.

Advice to myself “ Don’t give up now, you had very good reasons on why doing such detox/ diet. It is just the beginning , please don’t give up! Changes are hard but it needs to happen, in order to live a better life. Changes are hard, but what can we do. You made your decisions, please stick with it. NO sugar! No sugar! No Sugar!

Hello world!

Here I am, writing to myself or someone who is willing to read that blog. But anyway.

Why a blog?

Well, the main reason for me to do such thing is because I think that having a blog will encourage me to not give up, sharing what I am going through and being honest with me. I am for sure not a lifestyle expert nor a dietician or any kind of expert. Also, I think that this blog might act like my journal; of course I will share personal stories but I kind of liking to keep my identity under wrap for the moment.

What this blog is about?

Uhm , for now this blog is about my discovery and challenge to a new healthy lifestyle. I decided to follow the detox called “I quit sugar” from Sarah Wilson. I will be writing my journey through that detox. So stay on board with me!